Just to let you know, this is from Michael Showalter's new debut comedy CD, Sandwiches & Cats.

The first commandment of making a sandwich: Bread is king.
You see, because without bread, we that make sandwich are nothing.
Because bread is to sandwich what song is to band.
Bread is to sandwich what foot is to shoe.
Bread is to sandwich what love is to life.
Bread is king.

Commandment number 2: Mustard goes with everything.
Mustard goes with everything.
If you have two pieces of bread, mustard, and anything else, you have a delicious sandwich.
Examples:
Bread, chicken cutlet, mustard. You have a delicious sandwich.
Let's make it a little bit more challenging.
Bread, corn on the cob, mustard. You have a delicious sandwich.
Bread, box of pencils, mustard. You have a delicious sandwich.
Bread, one kind of mustard, another kind of mustard, you have a delicious sandwich.
And if anyone tells you the same thing is true of mayonnaise, you tell that person that they're a liar, a fink, and a fucking asshole, because mustard goes with everything!

Number 3: Nothing's off-limits. Everything's in play.
When making a sandwich you have to be willing to improvise.
We don't have the luxury of a well-stocked pantry.
We have to make do with what we have.
Let me ask you a question; does grapefruit go with balogna?
Yes
Nothing's off-limits. Everything's in play.
Does pesto taste good on top of cereal?
Yes
Nothing's off limits
I'm making a sandwich here!
If you want a five-star meal, then go to a five-star resteraunt, but I'm hungry.
It's two in the morning and I'm too lazy to go down to the corner deli.
I have a box of yellow raisins, two mismatched pieces of bread, half a grapefruit, a slice of balogna, a bag of twizzlers, a piece of ham, four sticks of gum, a 2 pencil, a jar of mustard, and I'm making a fucking sandwich!
Nothing's off limits, everything's in play.

Number 4: Toast it

Number 5: Pickle
It's a pickle
I said "what's up" pickle?
Pickle!
Pickle, pickle, pickle.

Number 6: When I said that nothing is off-limits and everything was in play, I was not referring to sun-dried tomatos
Sun-dried tomatoes are the enemy of the sandwich.
It's not a sandwich anymore.
It's a piece of shit!
So if you wanna eat shit then be my guest.
But let me tell you something, bub; I'm hungry.
Yeah. It's four in the morning, I'm watching Court TV, and I need something to eat, and I don't wanna eat shit!
I wanna eat a sandwich.
You fucking asshole!
Sun-dried tomatoes are bullshit!
Why do you test me, huh?
Why do you test me like this?
Do you think it's a fucking joke?
When I tell you that sun-dried tomatoes are bullshit you think I'm joking? You fucking dick, I will kill you!
I will kill you!

Commandment Number 7: The Missing Link.
Just take a step back.
You've made your sandwich, you've taken a bite.
But something's missing.
What's missing?
What is the missing link?
And be critical!
Ask questions of your sandwich.
Raise the bar.
Settle for nothing less than perfect because it's within your grasp, you fucking asshole.
Because your sandwich is your life.
Don't throw it away.
Don't sell it short.
Don't fucking one slice of cheese, suck it, fuck it, no!
This is your life we're talking about!
You only live once, friend.
So find the missing link.
What's holding you back from your sandwich, huh?
What is blocking you from your sandwich, kid. Huh?
What's keeping you from creating something that will last forever?
Your sandwich will last in eternity.

Number 9: Have fun.
Yeah! Have fun!
Have fun making your sandwich!
Do you hear me? Have fun!

Number 10: The end.
Do not fear the end.
Because the end is life.